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apatheticOriginal Posted: Wed, January 23, 2008
If you know me at all, then you know that I occassionally use a phrase to describe the method of vengeance I intend to met out to someone who has just wronged me or put me in a position of awkwardness. I use this phrase as a "last resort". A way of describing what I would consider the worst form of payback at that present moment.
Mind you it's probably not the worst thing you could do to a person. For instance, you might make fun of my purple polo work shirt. That's not reason enough for me to say, "I'm going to
burn your house down." That's not even really reason enough to say, "I wish you would french kiss the grill of a moving Greyhound Bus." That's a little extreme.
My favorite catchphrase in this regards is much simpler, straightforward, and logical. I consider it to be the most extreme because, with the exception of the time Reed disrespected my wife and I punched him in the face or the time I broke my stepbrother's nose playing football, I'm not a violent person. This phrase seems to me to be the worst thing I could do to someone at the time.
In all the times that I had used my phrase I had never truly considered the ramifications of it. It's not something so elaborate that you have to plan how you will carry it out. You can prewarn someone that you intend to eventually do this to them for what they've done to you or, if it serves you better, you can do it immediately.
What is this phrase?
"I'm going to punch you in the throat."
Notice there is no exclamatation point at the end. It's not said in anger. You don't have to prove your furious with someone by shouting it or saying it forcefully. The nature of the act alone details it's own ferociousness. If someone knows that you're going to punch them in the throat it's
worry enough. You don't have to say it with any sense of empowerment.
Until last night, I have been proud of my use of this phrase. Luckily, for some of the individuals I've said this to, I've never had to actually do it. The fear of the impending attack was enough to get my point across. But simply having this effective phrase in my arsenal has been, to me, a sense of achievement.
I have sincerely intended to make good on my statement many times. In a sense, I have some regret that I never fulfilled this promise. I think it would have been a learning experience for both myself and the victim. I do, however, worry that I would have become addicted to carrying out the act had I at least done it once.
It is with deepest sorrow that I have to tell you that I will no longer be utilizing this phrase. I have officially retired this to the history of Jason.
Why? Why would I do such a thing? Last night, Connor was watching the new animated Transformers on Cartoon Network. He would watch for about 2 minutes and then he would go barrelling through the house acting out what he was seeing on the television. Near the end of the program, I decided to join in.
All was well for the first 10 minutes of play. He would transform from Optimus to Bumblebee to Jazz. Occassionally he would transform from an Autobot to a Decepticon. This would confuse me entirely as to what my current status was in role play. Obviously, if he is one, I am the other.
I pulled my hood over my eyes and proclaimed, "I am NoEyesBot!" and began to blindly chase him. He alluded me several times until I finally cornered him by the chair. I swung him victoriously above my head as he flopped and writhed to escape. I eventually balanced him upright above my head at which point his feet darted straight out in front of him.
His left foot landed on my head. For some reason, I got a kick out of it, no pun intended. As I began to laugh my head tilted back at a reasonably large angle and the first sounds of laughter began to break from my voice. Before I could release anything audible to describe to Lori, who was sitting on the couch, what was occuring, his right foot swooped in and clocked me square in the, you guessed it, throat.
I immediately crumpled to the ground! Amidst the coughing and gagging from the pain of the 
small foot slamming into my larynx I began to think of one thing, over and over again. "I can't believe I ever wanted to punch anyone in the throat! This shit hurts!!"
For the next 5 or 6 minutes, while recovering from the shocking blow, I made a vow. I will never again threaten to punch anyone in their throat. No man should feel what I've felt.
Deep down I'll still always want to. I don't know if I'll ever completely dissolve the urge. I'll just have to try to remember what it would be like to walk a mile in their turtleneck. But, since I'm somewhat of an unimposing figure, I do still need something at the ready to say in the event that I need to assert myself and how far I'm willing to go to correct someone's attitude or actions.
Any suggestions?
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